Sometimes I reflect on my day-to-day emotional state. I’m usually very steady in my emotional level — I don’t get giddily happy very often, nor do I routinely feel sad or depressed. Mostly, I’m just “there” — blah, bland, somewhere in the middle. I think psychologists would call it a “flat affect”. According to this source, the term refers to a “severe reduction in emotional expressiveness”, which is sometimes associated with depression or schizophrenia. Well, I don’t think I’d classify it as severe. I don’t feel depressed, and I don’t think I’m schizophrenic (at least I haven’t yet heard voices telling me to slice up my neighbors or anything).
So what is it, then? Why am I more middle-of-the-road in my emotional state a large portion of the time these days? I’ve always been fairly steady emotionally (except for a few notable incidents in years past). Is it just because I’m older now, and see the world through greater life experience? I’m not taking any psychoactive medications, which I know tend to mitigate the highs and lows of bipolar or depressed individuals. For them, that “flattening” effect can be a lifesaving relief to the rollercoaster of manic-depressive mood swings, or brighten the black hole of depression.
I don’t know the reason behind it, but sometimes I look at my neither-here-nor-there emotional stasis as a good thing — I can look back and remember some insane episodes of hysteria or anger from the past, but it almost seems like I’m watching a movie of it, and it’s not really me. I certainly don’t miss THAT drama! But other times it makes me feel a little hollow, a little empty, not to feel the sharp edges of emotions (good OR bad).
Maybe it’s at least partly due to the hysterectomy I had a little over a year ago. It certainly changed some other things about my life, like knocking my libido right out the window. I definitely look back and remember the flush of sexual desire, but it’s a faded memory these days — and sometimes it does make me a little sad to think that aspect of my life is probably behind me now, for the most part.
But most of the time, my emotional calmness is an OK thing — not having to deal with big dramatic emotions on a regular basis certainly makes my life less complicated! Hopefully, maintaining the status quo on that front will allow me to develop new interests and turn my attention to talents that have as yet been ignored and untapped.
Tags: emotions, navel-gazing
