My aunts (my mother’s sisters) are an odd pair — one of them claims never to talk to the other one, and in the next sentence she’ll refer to a conversation they had recently. The same one says her sister never comes to visit, and then relates something her sister said the last time she came over. I just smile to myself and don’t confront her about her contradictions.
I think this one aunt (and maybe the other one, too) is carrying over squabbles they had when they were children into their later years. Each of them has called me and complained about the other on at least one occasion, and then sworn me to secrecy about our conversation. Hey, I’m Switzerland on this issue — since I’m not around either of them very often, it’s easy to keep my mouth shut. However, more than once I’ve wanted to sit them down like naughty children and lecture them — tell them to cut out the negative complaints on both side, and just be nice to each other.
It’s really a shame they don’t get along better — because at this point, these two women are the only remaining siblings out of nine children. I really wish they were able to be closer and more loving toward each other in their final years. But without deep introspection and understanding of where their hurt feelings come from, I don’t hold out much hope for that outcome.
Both sisters tend to have bouts of depression. One of them had electro-shock therapy in the 1960s, at least in part because she was so distraught over the loss of her husband to a heart attack at a young age. The shocks pretty much changed who she was from that point forward. Although she’s definitely functional and very sweet (at least in my experience — her sister begs to differ on that point), there’s always a hint of “vacancy” in her demeanor, and I have serious doubts as to whether introspection would be a good thing for her (if she’s even capable of such a thing, after the shock therapy). And the other one likes to put on the “poor me, I’m so picked on” persona. I’ll just have to leave it alone and let them work it out between them.
I went to visit the elder of the two sisters today. She’s 87 years old, and still as sharp and feisty as ever, although physically she’s fairly frail. She’s been a widow for the past 10 years or so, and after her husband died she moved back here from several states away to be nearer to her sister (which again doesn’t make sense, if they truly don’t get along). She is a college-educated woman and has been a businessperson most of her life — not working outside the home, but taking care of the business end of her husband’s various entrepreneurial ventures. She had a severely mentally handicapped child, and took care of her and her brother, while also helping renovate apartments they owned and managing her own antique business at various times along the way. She’s very knowledgeable about business subjects, and I relate very well to her, since I’m sort of the same way.
The reason for my visit was to interview her for a book I’m writing about my mother, who was two years older than my aunt and served as a sort of surrogate mother and protector for her two younger sisters. I vaguely knew my mother’s history from stories I had heard over the years, but the details were either not shared, or I’ve forgotten them now. So I bought a little voice recorder and sat down for a nice long conversation with my aunt. I had made up a list of questions, and she managed to cover most of them, although she took an agonizingly long time to finish a story sometimes, because she would go off on a tangent about different cousins and their wives, and their wives’ families, etc., etc. But I managed to smile and be patient through it all. Today I listened to my aunt, who, after her initial reluctance to be recorded, forgot about the voice recorder and talked virtually non-stop for almost five hours.
As I heard her stories of their life on the farm, I realized that much of the information probably wouldn’t make it into my book. It didn’t matter, though, because I learned some things I didn’t know about my mother’s family. I don’t have children to pass that knowledge along to, but it’s good for me to know it, anyway. If nothing else, it gives me a better understanding of my mother, and why she knew how to do the things she did so well.
I very much regret not sitting down with my mom a long time ago and hearing her story in her own words. It just never crossed my mind to do so. Absent that, her sister’s recollections will have to serve as a reasonable substitute. I learned exactly what I needed to know today — and if any of you have an elderly relative, I encourage you to record their stories and memories at length. It will do both of you some good, and you’ll be glad you did.
Tags: Family, relationships
Well, it appears that the latest hyper-reaction to current events is quieting down somewhat, and it looks like we just might survive another onslaught of deadly disease that was supposed to wipe out a significant percentage of the population.
I think the press and television media are as responsible for the swine flu panic as anyone (or anything) else. With almost wall-to-wall coverage in the news, it’s no wonder people are scared to death to send their kids to school or be anywhere near somebody with the sniffles. And now – guess what? Reports are coming in that it’s not spreading extraordinarily fast, and that even in the apparent epicenter of the illness, schools and businesses are reopening.
I remember the SARS scare a few years back – then, as now, people in Asia donned masks and avoided crowds (as much as one can avoid crowds in places like Tokyo or Beijing). The height of that episode lasted about as long as this one has, and with similar results. A few people died, quite a few were seriously ill, and most recovered.
Of course, it’s sad that people died; however, there are many other diseases that kill people every day. They just don’t have the cachet that something called “SARS” or “swine flu” does. Those names seem to have taken on a life of their own. I remember a former co-worker who would jokingly exclaim, “It’s SARS!!!” every time he saw someone sniffle, sneeze, or even complain that they didn’t feel well for whatever reason. He probably still says it to this day.
Cartoonists and jokesters around the Internet have had a field day with the swine flu epidemic. I can’t tell you how many funny stories and pig photos I’ve seen passed around in e-mails in the past couple of weeks. I don’t know if this will have as long a humor shelf-life as SARS, but it’s certainly alive and snorting at the moment!
There may well be a pandemic one day that kills a lot of people, and that would be very frightening indeed. I understand and appreciate the fact-based cautionary warnings sent out by the CDC. What I don’t appreciate is the unrelenting media coverage, and the sensationalizing and magnifying of every tiny aspect of the situation.
It seems our national news sources have suddenly turned into paparazzi from the tabloids, chasing frantically after every lurid detail and nuance of the disease, because it’s the celebrity of the day. I guess they’re still suffering the after-effects of the Obama-mania they’ve experienced for the past couple of years – they’ve become hooked on the hype and forgotten what “reporting” should be: factual, rational and informative.
The sky is not falling, Chicken Little – it only has the sniffles.
Like thousands (if not millions) of other Americans, I struggle to make ends meet. I have a job that I enjoy and that pays me a decent salary and I’m able to pay my bills on time each month, but that status will only continue if nothing happens that requires a large outlay of cash – like something major needing replacement in my house or a serious illness or injury that keeps me off work for more days than I have vacation time to cover. (I do have short-term disability insurance at work, but that only pays 60% of my salary, and that’s not enough to cover my expenses.) I’m fine as long as nothing “bends nor breaks” (as my mother used to say), but beyond that – I’d be in serious financial trouble in short order.
I find myself compulsively checking my bank balance and credit card accounts online. I live in fear of being late on a credit card payment, because I know they’ll levy a big late-payment fee and jack my rate up to 30% if I’m even one day late. I plan my grocery shopping trips for weeks when I have a little extra left over in my paycheck. I buy generic foods and figure out what the cheapest thing is that I can cook at home, that will feed me for the longest time. I only eat out at a sit-down restaurant once every two or three months and usually only eat at fast-food places once every week or two (mostly when I run out of what I made at home).
As for going out for entertainment, that’s almost non-existent. I might go to a movie (matinee) every couple of months. Concerts and theatre events are perhaps a once-a-year treat, if not less often. Travel used to be a priority, but I haven’t been on a plane for at least three years, if not longer. I did travel by car to Las Vegas with a friend over two years ago, but it was a very long drive and would have been much more fun if we could have flown there in three hours instead of driving for 14 hours.
I’ve also curtailed the little luxuries I swore I’d treat myself to, just to feel a little bit pampered. For the past five years or so, I got a facial every couple of months, but I cut that out last summer – I just can’t justify letting go of the $70 on something that’s not essential. Having my nails done every two weeks has also gone by the wayside, but that’s not such a bad thing – I’m sort of enjoying having my natural nails back.
The one area I haven’t cut back on is home electronics. I bought myself a new computer a year ago because I do some freelance typesetting and web design, so I could justify the expense. And since I don’t go out for entertainment, I subscribed to satellite TV for the first time and bought a TiVo. However, I cut out the Netflix subscription that I had kept for nine years to help offset those costs.
I’m checking out all possible avenues of savings, like insurance and medications. I saved $30/month on car insurance and $100/year on homeowner’s insurance by switching companies. I’m also looking into refinancing my home, since interest rates are lower now. Ordering my regular medications three months at a time through my insurance’s mail order plan saved me $38/month, too.
But even with all those savings, cutbacks and a new job a couple of years ago that pays several thousand dollars more per year than I made previously, I’m still barely keeping my head above water. The balances on my credit cards don’t seem to shrink more than a few dollars a month, partly because if any unexpected expense comes along (and they always do), I have to pay for it with a card because it just isn’t in the budget.
The problem is that I just don’t have any financial elbow room, so I keep spinning my wheels and staying in the same place. If I could get some momentum going, then I could start to chop down on the credit card debt and maybe even put something in savings so I wouldn’t have to use a credit card for unexpected expenses. As it is, it’s so frustrating and discouraging – I can’t see a way out, and I’m afraid I’ll reach retirement age (not that I’ll actually be able to retire!) and still be in the same situation.
I know I’m not alone in this, especially with the current economic climate being what it is. I can’t help but wonder if the recent uptick in the incidence of people murdering their families and committing suicide is tied, at least in part, to their feelings of hopelessness over their financial situations. It seems that many people have completely lost their minds these days, and I fear for the state of this country if its population loses hope for the future.
I’m certainly not remotely at the point of suicide, but it’s a real grind to live like this, and it sucks a lot of the joy out of life to constantly be on the edge of financial instability, with fear for the future always in the back of my mind, adding extra mental “static” that subtly increases my stress level every day. I want positive change, and the sooner the better!
According to Wikipedia, synergy is “the term used to describe a situation where different entities cooperate advantageously for a final outcome. Simply defined, it means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The essence of synergy is to value differences.”
Yesterday I observed two very different instances of synergy – one involving a friend and one while interacting with a group of complete strangers online.
My long-time friend (I’ve known him for almost 25 years now, which doesn’t seem remotely possible) is writing a book – a historical novel that could very well be of epic proportions. He reads me chapters over the phone as he completes them, and I must say it’s very engaging. I look forward to seeing the finished product, and receiving my autographed copy!
A few days ago, I mentioned to him that he had inspired me to write a book of my own, and described it to him. The concept of my book is not at all similar to his – mine will be a sentimental memoir about my mother’s life, and will likely be published as an e-book instead of a traditional ink-and-paper volume.
The thing that sparked yesterday’s synergy is that he was just about to write a section about a theatrical production in his book, and he was energized by my description. It so happened that the premise of my book fit very well with the storyline he had already conceptualized before our conversation.
When we spoke again last night, my friend had fully integrated the information I had given him about my book, and had woven it into his story. So now the play mentioned in his novel is actually a stage adaptation of my (as yet unwritten) memoir – and I (as the author of the book) am a character in the novel! It’s sort of a reflection inside of a reflection, like the effect resulting from looking in one mirror when there’s another mirror behind you. The image goes on and on, to infinity.
Needless to say, I’m thrilled and honored to be mentioned in someone’s novel (see this post), as well as to have my mother be the subject of a scene in it. My friend actually knew my mother, so his depiction of her in his book is warm and genuine, and is much appreciated, also.
My friend’s passion about his novel is the thing that inspired me to write my book, and letting him know I was writing it gave him a framework to create a scene in his novel. Hearing the progress of his novel inspired me to write, and my positive response to his project encourages him to write more. What a great example of synergy at work!
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The second instance of synergy was much less profound, but interesting to observe, nonetheless. I signed up on a website where people play computer games online. In the virtual “room” where I was playing, there were four other people. We were playing sort of a Yahtzee-like game, where we tried to get multiples of one symbol or another to score points (which can be redeemed for real-world prizes, such as amazon.com gift cards, etc.).
Having just joined the site, I was confused at first, because people kept signaling that they wanted to swap game pieces with me. It took me awhile to realize it, but then it dawned on me that either I had a game piece they wanted, or they were trying to give me a piece that I needed in order to complete my “hand” and score bigger points. Sometimes there was some mad swapping going on, let me tell you! At some points, three people were trying to trade pieces with me at the same time! One of the players sent me a private message, giving me some tips when I made some blunders. When I told them I was new and confused, they explained it very well when they replied “we swap pieces to everyone’s advantage.”
It was an “ah-ha!” moment for me. Once I understood that concept, I was fascinated to watch the interactions among the players. People would give away valuable pieces to others, with no direct benefit to themselves, so that person could complete a high-scoring hand. Later, the person who received the generosity of their neighbors in the room would reciprocate in kind.
The Golden Rule was very much in play in that room – if people got selfish and wouldn’t give away good pieces, instead hoarding them for their own benefit, the others would very likely refuse to aid the non-sharing person – in effect, freezing them out of the group benefits. (Not that I saw any of that happening while I was there.) And little niceties like responding in the chat feature with a “ty” (thank you) and “yvw” (you’re very welcome) when pieces were exchanged went a long way toward acting as a social lubricant, fostering good will among the group of players.
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Synergy is an amazing and powerful thing. So many times, it seems to happen spontaneously – and when it does, it’s like a bolt of lightning, sparking an extra level of creativity and energy that feeds on itself when passed between two people. The resulting product can indeed be greater than the sum of its parts, working to everyone’s advantage!
Tags: Family, relationships
