I’ve always had issues with my weight, even when in hindsight I wasn’t too terribly heavy. Looking at my childhood school photos, I appeared to be normal weight until about fifth grade, when the chubbiness started to set in for awhile. Even in junior high, I didn’t look bad – nothing we’d look twice at in a crowd as being out of place. When I graduated from high school, I was 5’7” and 165 lb., but all through junior high and high school I was teased by one girl in particular, who called me “Big Bertha.” I always laughed it off, but being an extremely shy and sensitive person, I guess it took a toll on me emotionally. I always felt fat and unattractive, and I always wanted to disappear into the woodwork.
Things got dramatically better when I started college and lived in the dorm. I actually reinvented myself then. I told myself, “These people don’t know you and don’t know you’re shy. You’re going to go up to everyone you meet and say, ‘Hi, my name is Mikkie. What’s your name?’” And lo and behold, I made new friends and actually had a social life for the first time. It was amazing!
My weight issues were assisted by a two-month bout of mono, just two months after I started school. I didn’t feel sick at all, but when I took my roommate to my family doctor because she hurt her arm, I guess I looked really pale and the doctor insisted I get my blood checked. Sure enough, I had mono and went directly to my parents’ house to recouperate. That was the most boring illness! I tried to keep up with my studies, but every time I tried to read, I fell asleep. I finally recovered enough to take my finals (late), and passed my classes.
I was shocked to learn that I had lost 20 lb. before I was diagnosed and didn’t even realize it, because I was running around and having fun with my new-found friends. It didn’t even register when my jeans got so loose I could take them off without unzipping them — just how self-UNaware can one person be??? I dropped another 10 lb. during my illness, bringing me down to 135 lb., which was actually average-to-slender for my height. Ah, to be there again! I wish I had more photos of myself at that weight, but only a couple of Polaroids and a formal portrait have survived the years. I thought I was pretty hot stuff back then — wearing cute junior sizes (9-11) and showing off my body more than I ever had in my life.
I don’t recall any issues for several more years, until I was in my second marriage. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, and I became very depressed during the latter part of it. Food was a comforting friend when I felt like I didn’t have any others. And when I did try to lose weight, my then-husband would try to sabotage my efforts — for example, he would eat an entire half-gallon of ice cream (from the carton!) in front of me, or a huge steak with all the trimmings. Very unsupportive, to say the least! He was very jealous, so I’m sure it was threatening for me to lose weight, because I might become attractive to other men.
I finally sought help from a hypnotherapist and made some progress. She also helped me with other emotional issues, which gave me the strength I needed to escape that marriage. She was a life-saver on several levels. I moved in with my parents and started working for a friend. It was a good time – low stress, busy, and stable.
I became a certified hypnotherapist myself during that time, and continued to use self-hypnosis to eventually lose 65 lb. without “officially” dieting over the next two years. I got back down to my high school graduation weight of 165 lb. – and then I got married again, and started cooking for two. The new routine blew my self-hypnosis practice and established routine out the window, and I started gaining weight. Then I started a home-based business, and gained even more weight. I gained back all the weight I had lost with hypnosis, plus about 10 lb. Very discouraging!
So I started on another weight loss scheme – a strict low-calorie, doctor-supervised liquid diet that involved shakes and soups in little packets that totaled about 500-600 calories a day. I stayed on that program for nine months and lost 75 lb. I got so thin that one day when my mom came over and saw me in the yard, she didn’t recognize me for a minute! I maintained that weight for awhile, but gradually the old eating habits crept back in again, and the weight started coming back.
I hovered just over 200 lb. for several years, until I got divorced and was living on my own. A series of disappointing relationships and the loss of a good job made me turn to my old comforting friend again – sometimes out of frustration or disappointment, and sometimes out of anger toward someone who “did me wrong.” I distinctly remember being very angry at someone who had dumped me, and viciously tearing into a pizza, stuffing myself to the point of discomfort. Not healthy on any level, for sure!
After about seven years of that, my weight was up to 285. I briefly started another ultra-low-calorie regimen and lost 30 lb., but went off it after about three months and bounced back up to 295, where I’ve been for the past several years. I’m in my mid-50s, so I know it’ll get harder and harder to lose weight as I get older, so it’s very discouraging.
A couple of weeks ago, I tried a new direction for weight loss. I bought a juicer, and have been juicing up a storm. I don’t know how much weight I’ve lost at this point, but between consuming LOTS more fruits and vegetables (with some lean meat occasionally) and taking vitamins (which I’ve never been good at), at least I know I’m getting better nutrition. I’ve cut out eating fast food and high-calorie snacks almost completely, and figure that alone will make me lose weight. I’m enjoying the lighter, fresher fare, and definitely don’t miss the acid reflux that often disturbed my sleep after a heavy, greasy evening meal!
I’m hoping I can stick with this healthy way of eating for the long term. I have a little sign that says, “If all else fails, I may have to resort to diet and exercise.” This diet is a start, and hopefully I’ll be sufficiently self-aware this time to add in some exercise down the road. But that’s another story in itself…
Tags: body image, emotions, weight
